Lessons Learned: What 2020 Taught Me...
So here we are… we made it to the end! All 366 days. Can you imagine!? Of all years to be dramatic it had to be the leap year, huh? Anyways… What a year it’s been! So much has happened, and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t anything but dramatic. In all honesty, 2020 served me like a steak (my bad to all you vegans!) but I’d also be lying if I said it wasn’t necessary because it was.
Of course, I talk only of my own experiences, though there will be many lessons that will resonate with you too (I hope!). As much as we had hoped 2020 to be the start of a new decade, upon reflection, I realise that I wasn’t as ready as I thought. This year taught me that things I thought I had healed from were just suppressed, my mindset was all over the place, and though it seemed it, I was rarely being true to myself. There wasn’t a lot of new information I learned about myself, but this year was the year I actually listened… if that makes sense?
Perspective is everything, and when you’re caught up in the bubble that is YOU, it can be hard to see, or rather acknowledge things - especially if it’s something that challenges the character you think you are. Let me elaborate… This year I realised that I wasn’t a good person. Yes, I help others, I am loyal, kind and all the things you’d say makes a good person but when I actually reflected on myself and my character, there were things that were problematic and toxic and it had been my ego that had shielded that perspective from me.
Maybe you’re amazing, giving, loving, and all those things, but does it actually serve the purpose you think it does? I’ll elaborate with an analogy I thought of... I’ve used this analogy a lot over the last week when talking to my friends so I’ll share it here to make my point. Let’s say for a minute that you are a cactus (stay with me). You thrive in high temperatures, lots of sunlight, and little moisture. Then I come along as your friend… I give you water, but because we’re really good friends, I give you all the water left in my possession. You’re my friend and I want the best for you, but unlike my other plants, you don’t need water.
Every day I come to water you and give you all my love and every day you don’t grow. I start to get frustrated and think “why don’t you grow and appreciate what I have given?” You, the cactus look at me and say “but Liz, I didn’t ask you for it” And you’d be right… but that’s not what I want to hear. All I’m hearing is that am giving you all the water I have and you won’t appreciate it!?
The truth is, if I only gave you 10% of sunlight, you’d grow faster and be healthy because that is what you need. The water I’m giving is too much and may even be drowning you. Whilst my intentions may be good, they’re hindering your growth but when you tell me to stop I think you’re being ungrateful and take it personally. If I had just asked what you needed, instead of assuming, I can cater better for your needs. That 10% could turn into 40% and still I would have helped you more than any water could. Not only that, but I wouldn't have used all my energy AND been able to support you sufficiently instead of treating you the way I THOUGHT was best.
Now let me put this into a real-life scenario. As I said, this year was a hot mess for me, and though I prospered (and fell), I’d be lying if I said I did it without support. My closest people helped me in more ways than they think and at times where they didn’t know what hell I was going through. As part of my emotional growth this year, I’ve become softer and more welcoming to love, affection, and open appreciation.
Usually, I’d show my appreciation in the practical form - the mummy form of “do you need a lift?” “Here’s some food” and “do you need anything?” but the hugs & sarfttt Liz is not one you’ll get so my outward expression can come across as contradictory. I’ve always been known as the person who’s removed emotionally, who holds things together when things are falling and somehow keeps my sanity when everything is crumbling. It also means that I can be a cold person externally, and though my peeps know that an “I’m good” from me means “I’m ecstatic”, at times I realise I should have been softer and I used my character as an excuse to justify it. Cryptic was the language I spoke, but in hindsight, it wasn’t the best.
Over the last few months especially, I’ve really worked on it and cut ties to some old toxic traits… Again, credit goes to those closest to me who have been tirelessly working to get the inner soft Liz out and visible (because she has always been there- just shy). When I say PATIENCE has been exercised, believe me! The old Liz would not be admitting half the things I’ve said…
Anyway, back to my point… this year I decided to actively show my love and appreciation - including towards myself. Firstly, I treated myself to a little 48hr hotel getaway full of pampering & relaxation (you can watch a recap on my Insta reel), and then I turned my attention to the people I care about most. I got my close girls surprise flowers and chocolates as a “just because”, I rang up people who I had been distant from and had a much-needed catch-up, and I phoned people my ego would have never allowed me to call in the past to fix things. It was very healing and I felt at peace for it.
There was one person I wanted to show appreciation for who had also done a lot for me but who I had become distant from. I got them their favourite cake and thought they’d want it. They didn’t. I was confused. Was I not showing my appreciation and care by doing something nice? I’m someone who gets satisfaction from helping and making others feel better and tbh I had quite liked becoming the cute person in the group and was not shy to show it. Now was the time that I had let my guard down and they were content without my gift. It got me thinking…
Old Liz would have been like the Liz in the analogy… “why don’t you see that I’m trying?,” “can’t you see that I went out of my way?” “why does no-one appreciate the things that I do…” I could go on but you get it. It’s not that all of the above isn't true, but it’s also important to note two things:
1 - They never asked me for it
2 - I’m being entitled (and maybe it wasn’t as nice as I had thought)
I used to hate point one. I know you didn’t ask me for it but was it not the thought that shows I care? Is there no such thing as a surprise? The truth is - for someone it may be, but for others, it isn’t, and they are more than entitled to say they didn’t want it when they don’t. I could get mad, upset, hurt, etc but all I’m doing is trying to stroke my ego of being a “good person.” Those who do like it will appreciate it but you can’t force things on people either.
When I actually sat back and thought about it instead of reacting, I realised that this person isn’t a gift person in the slightest, so why all of a sudden was I expecting that to change? We all have our love languages, and we must understand and respect them (in relationships of all capacity) so that we don’t end up creating a fuss when a little step back from the situation could have avoided it all.
Like the cactus, I was pouring all the water, when it was sunlight they needed and in my own selfishness to be “kind”, I had completely overlooked their needs.
Sometimes it’s important to properly check yourself and then think “maybe this isn’t about me” and when you do that, you nip entitlement in the bud and leave ego at the door. You can be out here using up all your energy and getting worked up when it isn’t going anywhere… sometimes paying attention to other details is more valuable.
That’s another lesson I leaned this year. Ego. Let go of it. It has no good purpose in your life but destruction. I knew this, but I’m stubborn too so it’s not so easy to convince me to change. Letting go of ego doesn't mean you must get on with everyone. It’s okay to walk away from people and situations, but don’t let ego get in the way! The thing about ego and pride is that you’re fixated on the immediate consequences rather than the long-term effects. In essence, it is the biggest time waster and sucks wayyy more energy than it preserves.
Imagine if you’re at dinner with your friends and you’re being off. You’re upset but you don’t want anyone to know because you don’t want them to know you’re low and ruin the night. What you’ve really done is become off with the people around you, closed up, and pretended you’re fine. Instead of preserving their night, everyone is on edge and you’ve now ruined everyone’s evening. Had you just said you were low (or removed yourself from the situation), they would have been happy to lift your mood (assuming they’re actually friends) which would have taken maybe 10 minutes max? In doing that, you’re all in a good mood and you can enjoy the moment for what it is. Instead, you let your head do all the assumptions instead of seeing for yourself.
I’m not saying reveal your deep and dark secrets to everyone - I trust you have a good judgement on who to open up to, but those who you consider being “close friends” you should have more faith in. There are times I have reached out to friends at a time of need that I would have never done before. This idea of being “weak” cannot exist if you are becoming stronger with the help of someone else. Why are they close friends if you think they will judge you? We all need help, we’re not robots. As someone who works closely with people at end of life, you realise that you will eventually need help. You can be the CEO of a multi-billion company but as soon as you become incontinent and unable to care for yourself, someone will be wiping your bottom for you. Facts. Would you not rather learn to trust and accept help from those who love you now than learn the hard way later on in life?
Many of the lessons I’ve learned this year have been internal growth and my relationships with others. As much as I am independent in many ways, there are lessons we can only learn when we look at ourselves through the lenses of another. In the same way Joe from Pixar’s Soul was forced to see his actions from another perspective, we must exercise the same way and take on board what others say - especially if it comes from a place of love (You can read my full review on the meaning and purpose in Pixar’s Soul here). Do not always be so quick to defend when someone points out a fault because it’s your own growth you’re hindering!
What I liked about these lessons is that no-one forced me to change. It was one of those things where I was tired of me. I had been tired of me and my shit for many years, but it was this year when it actually hit. Perhaps it was because I was forced to slow down - like the rest of us. As a health-care worker, I was still working, still active, and very busy (as you can imagine) but other aspects of my life were forced to grind to a halt. I’m a traveller. I like to escape every few months to reset but this year I found it to be challenging. With stress high from personal and professional life, all I wanted to do was escape. I managed to do a staycation which helped but it wasn’t always so easy to just “go” like I’m used to.
Instead, I was forced to face myself which meant I was unable to run away and distract my thoughts, and in the process, I realised that there were many things I thought I had addressed that were still very much present. It was time to face the truth and stop making excuses. Excuses aren’t cute and growth has been pending. The only way change can happen is if you action it, and it was time I didn’t skirt around the issues but instead headed them face on.
If there was a time to break down the foundations it was now - when things aren’t happening and everything is still. This was the extended year I needed to really let go of baggage and enter the new decade with a new perspective. When you think about it, 1 year out of 10 isn’t a lot. But to realise and drop all these habits 5 years into the greatest decade of my life? That would have been damaging beyond belief. I am a strong advocate of “everything happens for a reason” and though at times I’ve asked God “What was the reason?” (Cardi B voice) when at the time there was no justification for the suffering, this year - to an extent - it made sense why things happened the way it did. God broke me down gracefully this year and it’s not something that happens overnight… I have been tested and worked on for years, but it took 2020 and all its drama to kick my lessons into actions.
One thing I’ll say this year is that I’ve become closer to God. I put him first before everything and praise him even in my darkest hours. One thing as small as a daily prayer has made a big difference to me and I’m no longer angry at the world when things don’t go my way. I’ve been religious all my life, but it was only a few weeks ago when I really deeeeped his purpose in my life. That day I said “take the wheel I give up” and since then, my anxiety has reduced dramatically and I no longer sweat the small stuff. How can I stress when I trust that he is in control!? It has helped me soo much and I’ve gained more benefits than I had even planned.
If you’ve been following me for a while, you’ll know that I’ve had chronic insomnia since I was a toddler. Since I’ve started to stress less, and appreciate more, I’ve been sleeping well consistently for the first time in my life (I hope I don’t jinx it now!). Perhaps it was the overthinking and anxiety that kept me up and if this is what inner peace does then I’m here for it! I have become closer to God and honesty, I cast any worries to him. I gave up trying. I said he is in control and he hasn’t let me down. How can I stress over things in life when I cannot add a single day to my life? Instead, I was stressing and wasting days off my life instead of living? That’s madness if you ask me!
In summary, here are SIX lessons I will take into next year:
God doesn’t place you anywhere you’re not supposed to be - Trust in the process
Find your purpose and focus on that
Let go of your Ego and show more love
Help is necessary for growth
How you start your day is so important - whether that’s with a prayer, tidy up, or meditate.
Health is the greatest wealth - look after yourself first and get checked when you have a concern!
What will you take from 2020? You can either take it for the shit year it was or take from it the lessons learned. Many people would have become closer to people or have valued life more. Even if things didn’t go to plan, there is always a strength created from pain. How will you use that to better your future? 2020 broke me hard and built me back up. It shook me to the core, but I’ve come out of the other side stronger for it. One thing I’ll urge you to seek is inner peace - whether you’re religious or not, find it. It could be through creative outlets, music, prayer, meditation, or whatever… peace is necessary.
If you’ve managed to get to the end, thank-you for sticking with me. I had a lot to get off my chest and hopefully there is something you can take from it. Until next year, I wish you a wonderful New Year, and may it be filled with love, blessings, good news, and happiness. May we be equipped for whatever it is in our paths next year, and may we be grateful always to see another day! Lastly, thank you for supporting me and showing love always. I appreciate you more than you know! Feel free to share this post (or any other) with anyone else you know that may benefit!
All my love,
Liz x